MARLON

What do you think about the upcoming television season?

JAY

It stinks!! It is just plain awful. Worse than any on record.

MARLON

Why?

JAY

Those stinking reality shows! The fact that every primetime cartoon on network TV but The Simpsons and King of the Hill has been cancelled is too much to bear. That includes you FOX, as well as you ABC.

MARLON

But that doesn't count the new Siegfried and Roy 3-D cartoon on NBC.

JAY

Always into specifics aren't you. You'd probably think that Arnold Schwarzenegger would make a good president.

MARLON

Enough politics, I'm ending this interview. No more advocating violence to real people.

JAY

You stink. So do you Matt Groening.

Why it's Marlon. And you brought your friends.

BENDER

What are these suckers' names?

MARLON

Here is Joseph, Brian, May, Babak, Michael, Helen, Brendan, Eugene, Margaret, Dhiren, Maggie, Richie, Vishal, and Daniel.

FRY

Hey, those guys will help Marlon preview the new shows.

ZOIDBERG

Zoidberg sees fresh meat

PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH

Good news everybody!! Dr. Who and Battlestar Galactica are going to be airing new episodes soon. And Wonderfalls will be airing on Monday nights on Vision (Ch. 24)

BRIAN

Well, that will give me excuses to avoid those UBC BZZR Gardens. They're also good as reasons to miss my Frat's big Toga Party. They say this year's theme is Nero.

MAY

I wonder if they'll be airing Donnie Darko the TV series. It'll be just like Buffy, but with a depressed guy instead of a depressed girl. And Buffy'sdied twice, so DD the series can follow the guy's resurrection

JOSEPH

That sounds great. But I heard that Rafe Mair is Hosting the next season of Politician Idol. It has Ujjal Dosanjh singing Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles songs.

BRENDAN

What! No Shakespeare Drama? No Ulysses Mini-series? Not even a Post-Modern deconstructed interpretation of The Glass Elevator on PBS?

BENDER

Yes. It's that bad. Want a beer and a cigar?

MARLON

Sure. A blunt as well?

BRENDAN

Yippee!! Free booze.

BABAK

A Cuban cigar. Awesome.

MICHAEL

Does it come with a car?

You know it's sure awesome that FOX kept Arrested Development.

WILLOW

That's sure nicey of them.

BUFFY

It surey beats the other optionny things they couldy have doney. They would have been too cancellingy.

FAITH

But Tru Calling was kept B. Aren't you an adorable princess?

HELEN

Yes, I am. But I much would have preferred you to have appeared on Angel, or at least that's what my friends at SFU would think. UBC students probably think that way as well.

MARLON

Anyways, Tru Calling is terrible.

SPIKE

Blimey to that.

GILES

The non-network shows are the ones I watch. PBS, all full of British charm. Why do watch so little TV? Well, I still wish I were a singer in the rock band The Clash

AMY

Hey, I was a rat. AMANDA

Hey, I'm dead.

ANYA

So am I, but at least I died a republican. Mr. Show will also start airing on TBS in October!! The American equivalent of Monty Python comes back.

CHLOE

I'm still on Lizzie McGuire re-runs. That is a great show

BRENDAN

Wow. What spectacular, rewarding symbolism. It's almost as good as the time I read War and Peace

PETER

Hey, there's that group of crazy writers

STEWIE

Maybe one of them will bring us a dead Lois.

LOIS

There, there sweetie. These freaks are just columnists.

STEWIE

Don't you columnist me foul woman. These are just volunteer writing hacks sitting behind their computerized typewriters spreading stereotypes amongst their colleagues. It's like the mutual appreciation society, and I want in. Now!! And I don't know what bribe is needed to retire one of you, but I'll give you power over North Vietnam.

LOIS

Boy, are you getting tired. It's time for your nap

BRIAN

Am I a dog? Or do I now own North Vietnam? Welcome on board Stewie.

JOSEPH

Stewie Griffin is now a Contributing Writer at thecommentary.ca. You take over Brian's life

Welcome. I hear that Star Trek: Enterprise isn't doing well any more.

MARLON

Well, it is a boring show

RICHIE

The quality sure has slipped.

VISHAL

And they've run out of creative ideas.

CRUSHER

Are you guys from the Continuum?

Q

They're just my friends from reality. Hey Betazoid, can you talk about other TV shows?

TROI

How about Alias? It has hot babes in strong, empowering female roles

EUGENE

But it's not starting until January.

DATA

You are correct sir. 24 also starts in January. Other significant shows starting late include The Simpsons in November and Arrested Development, which will also start airing new episodes in November

BEN SISKO

Go Red Sox. It'll be their last World Series victory until they defeated the London Monarchs in the year 2043

RIKER

You're right. Most of October on FOX will be taken over by Baseball playoffs.

JOSEPH

Don't forget all those exciting Bush-Kerry debates. The only thing I'll miss them for is if Craig Kilborn were to do a show on Don Imus.

MARLON

Don't forget the actual American Election. I'll be drunk one way or the other.

STEWIE

I won't be voting. But if Bush stays in power, America will be more vulnerable to me enslaving them.

BART

Don't have a cow man. Eat my Shorts. Ay Carumba!

COMIC BOOK GUY

Wow, what original fan fiction. I could have done better watching the un-produced outtakes of Seaquest DSV. Or watched that underground clip of Terry Farrell in that 'Ladies' washroom

MARLON

At least it's cross-over, and includes real life characters.

COMIC BOOK GUY

It's almost like you're taking some pretentious Breakfast of Champions like style into your screenplay. You just created a fantasy world of your favourite TV shows and force us to speak about what comes into your head as part of your spur of the moment typing.

DANIEL

You're like that On the Road guy.

MARGARET

Jack Kerouac. That's his name.

LISA

See Garden State. Best movie I've seen this year.

HOMER

Well I'll sure be watching TV this year, because I can't think of anything better to due. At least there's Beer. Mmmm Beer...

MARLON

And I'll escape out of doing a formal report in favour of this script vaguely connected to the fall TV season.

BRENDAN

Remember, Family Guy will come back next summer. And Seth MacFarlane has a new show next spring called American Dad.

DR HIBERT

Remember folks, the best way to experience episodes of creative nonsense is to self medicate yourself. (Laugh, Laugh, Laugh)

NELSON

HA! HA!, you laugh so easily.

We all escaped into reality, but we are really trapped in the Twilight Zone. Such is the life of fictional versions in real people in internet columns. Except Stewie, he now lives down the street and plays hockey once a week